There is a warm hum inside of these walls. I like it. Sometimes this box seems to confine me but tonight it holds me. Tonight, this apartment feels a bit like a home. I have a hot cup of coffee (brewed twice by Derek for me), I have this fat cat that I love purring wildly—and of course she is begging to be fed yet again—and I have the man that I adore sleeping a lions nap on the couch that I’ve packed along with me since childhood. I have peace. And lately, that’s been rare.
Los Angeles is dark already but there is basil in the air and I have some awesome music to sing over the ghetto birds (helicopters) on an epic manhunt.
I’ve been trying to crawl out of my apathetic mind set and I think that I’ve finally shook it off—thrown it out to sea to be swallowed by some hungry shark. And damn, if it doesn’t feel good.
I’ve packed up all of my old baggage. I’ve thrown out expectations that I gave myself years ago—expectations that others thoughtfully gave me wrapped up like gifts. It’s not that they aren’t wonderful—it’s just that maybe they don’t fit me anymore—or just not yet.
Today, I set out into the hot, hot sun (can you believe that it is nearly 80 degrees here?!) and I traipsed around thru horse trails and hobo camps. I crossed creeks (down here they call them rivers) and scratched my legs on wild sage. I slipped on rounded river rocks and filled my pants with dirt. Oh and it felt amazing: the sun, the freedom of just being.
I feel so incredibly lucky.
I feel optimistic and wild with life! I have a new cousin to meet and what’s more; I have a niece or nephew that I will be able to hold and kiss and love like crazy (for I will love the little alien with all of me for it will be a bit of Alisha) in a month from now. I have all these ideas that are just waiting for the dots to connect. I have words to put onto paper and cookies to put into bellies of people that I love (or at least like). I have peace. And it’s 2013 and fuck if it’s not the year for me!